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A Hint of Madness - July CDE
Jul. 14th, 2009 03:34 pmI was Caitiff upon a time. I never told anyone. I don't know what the Princes thought of me. Perhaps they thought I was Assamite, or maybe they saw the madness in me. Would kind of be amusing. Not that I'd take that shit from just anyone. I have a reputation to maintain. Frost can call me insane all day long because, let's face it, “Hello pot, kettle calling. You're black.” Everyone else, though? There's a reason I'm mistaken for one of the Assassins. I'm not a raving Lunatic, after all. Maybe a little different, but hell, aren't we all?
Sometimes I think maybe it's not the madness that defines this clan I've been introduced to. It's the ability to see past the madness to what's really there sharing the darkness with us.
I didn't always think this way, of course, but Victoria helped me grow up a bit. Showed me the family. Showed me parts of myself that I didn't know existed. I'd suspect it was all a grand prank on her part, if she didn't end up dead at the end of it. Perhaps that was the prank, because she's not really dead, though, is she? No, she lives on in me. If people could hear her, they'd stop thinking I was mad.
Perhaps I'd better explain?
It was pure folly and pride to think that I could track and kill Trevor at night. I should have waited until he slept and killed him then, or at least weakened him and chained him so he could not fight back. It would have been easy to do. I didn't do it, though. Katazyna had hit a nerve with me, and then she'd gone and hit professional pride. She wanted the child-killing bastard to pay? Hell, I knew torture. It'd be good.
Too bad Trevor wasn't there. Yeah, I got there and nada. Nothing. Damn place reeked like a haunted house. I swear I could feel ghosts watching me, and not the ones that usually followed me, either. Got settled in to wait on him, hid in the shadows, closing in on myself and making myself as unnoticeable as possible, as I'd been trained to do, and then I heard the music.
“A la claire fontaine
M'en allant promener;
J'ai trouvé l'eau si belle
Que je m'y suis baigné.
Il y a longtemps que je t'aime,
Jamais je ne t'oublierai.”
I knew that song. Once upon a time, I'd sung it, hadn't I? Taught it to my daughters as they'd learned to play and sing. Thought I recognized the voice, too, but that was impossible, right? Ah, if only.
I followed a flash of blond curls out of the room I was hiding in and around a corner, into a sort of parlor. There she sat, playing the piano for all the world as if it were time for her music lessons. But, my mind insisted to remind me, that couldn't be. She'd been dead for over four hundred years. I tore her throat out myself. Bad thoughts down that path. Something inside me screamed Run! I could do nothing but stand there, helpless as a lamb in front of this little five year old cherub.
“Catherine? How...?” Not my most brilliant moment. It should have dawned on me then, that she was dead, had to be dead. Or if not dead, then turned and no longer herself. What can I say, though? Deep down, her face has been the one haunting my dreams and my nightmares. Guilt. Even I can feel it and know what kind of monster I am. Fuck.
“Sous les feuilles d'un chêne
Je me suis fait sécher;
Sur la plus haute branche
Le rossignol chantait.
Il y a longtemps que je t'aime,
Jamais je ne t'oublierai.
Chante, rossignol, chante,
Toi qui as le coeur gai;
Tu as la coeur à rire,
Moi je l'ai à pleurer.
Il y a longtemps que je t'aime,
Jamais je ne t'oublierai.
J'ai perdu ma maîtresse
Sans l'avoir mérité,
Pour un bouquet de roses
Que je lui refusai.
Il y a longtemps que je t'aime,
Jamais je ne t'oublierai.
Je voudrais que la rose
Fût encore au rosier,
Et moi et ma maîtresse
Dans le mêm's amitiés.
Il y a longtemps que je t'aime,
Jamais je ne t'oublierai.”
She sat there at the piano, playing and singing. It was as if I wasn't there. Or rather, as if I were her human father, standing over her, listening while she played. I couldn't move if I tried. She didn't seem to notice the stark fear in me, my naked desire to be anywhere else, and the overwhelming shock that kept me rooted in place. No, she didn't seem to notice or care as she turned and gave me the full force of those jewel-clear blue eyes and that smiling cherub's face.
“Daddy! What did you think?” A voice like swansong. The familiar cadence of the old French sounded as incomprehensible as Greek to me at first.
“It was beautiful, Catherine.” My voice was a harsh croak, sounded harsh against hers. Much like the rest of me, actually. How could she look at me and see her loving father?
“Were you going to kill the bad man, daddy?”
God, but that voice! “Yes, Catherine, I am. He destroyed the lives of children. It is a heinous act.”
“You did that, daddy. I remember that.”
No! How could I explain the hunger, the beast that used me for its own hideous pleasure? That still uses me? “No, Catherine, I...”
“It doesn't matter now, daddy. Kiss me?” She stood up on the piano bench, a petite angel, not even as tall as her father with that help.
I squeezed my eyes shut and counted to ten. I could still smell her skin! God, but I remembered the taste of her blood. I had yet to have blood that could compare, because she was so precious. I could barely answer her, so overwhelmed was I. “Yes, of course, Catherine.” I drew her into my arms and held her close, kissing the top of her head and pressing that gentle heat against my shoulder.
That's when I felt fangs in my shoulder. That was one hell of a wake-up call. I tried to pull away, but she held me fast. The blond cherub shimmered in my sight, as if she were nothing but a ghost. Of course, she was dead. I killed her. In turn, she was killing me. I was growing weaker. I could feel it. She was draining me, taking everything I had. I'd die if she continued. Perhaps that was her purpose? Was she here to exact revenge on her murderous father by turning him to so much ash?
No! I felt guilt, yes, horrible, paralyzing guilt, but I couldn't die. Not like this. She'd understand, right? That I had to stop her? My maker was still out there, still had not been brought to justice. Later, she could have her chance, but now she must be a ghost again. I whispered softly against her fragrant skin, “Catherine, ma belle, I'm sorry.” It took more effort than I anticipated to pull her off me. She must have drank more than I thought, for I was weak as a kitten. No matter. My teeth pierced the soft skin of her neck and I drank deeply, far deeper than I'd ever drank from any vampire.
Vampire, yes. I recognized that blood. Time to analyze it later, for she was fighting me now. “Catherine, I'm sorry, but I cannot let you take me before he comes to justice. You know it is my duty, ma belle. I'm sorry it has to be this way.” Her struggles grew weaker. I didn't even see her anymore. It was as if someone else lay pinned under me, someone else's voice grew weaker as I drank that potent blood.
And then, the amazing part. She died, and it seemed a part of her was absorbed into me. I could feel it there, merged with me. I knew the body that fell to ash before me. Her name had been Victoria, and she wasn't dead. No, she whispered in my ear, telling me things. Things I knew, I'd always known. About my heritage, my sire. My accidental sire. It wasn't an accident at all. Too soon, far too soon. The Family hadn't gathered to change me yet, he'd only been there to push me closer to the edge, as he'd been there when my wife died, and when my son was killed. As he'd been there to frighten away the game during that one cold winter, nearly killing us all. He'd tormented me, pushed me, and I'd caught him too soon.
I made it through that Embrace. Turned my back on the whispers of Family, though. They hadn't judged, just watched. Eventually they figured I'd see reason. And I did, now. Hell, I knew more now than I ever had, didn't I? I knew the power she'd used on me. With a little practice I might even be able to perform that abilty, Obfuscate. Useful thing. Dementation. Another useful one, one I had, even if I didn't know how it worked before. I did now. I knew the name of my telepathy among the Family. Auspex. The ability that helped me control mortals. Dominate.
Victoria, my love, Victoria. She knew things I'd only begun to guess at. The name of the Family I had always been a part of, even unknowingly. Malkavian. I smiled then. One always wants a family, right? I mean, if you have to go through this long life broken as we are, it's good to have people around who see things like you, right? Maybe that's her talking. Sure as hell doesn't sound much like me. Maybe I'll remember later.
I left the place. Placed a rose from the mantle on her ashes and left. Hell with Trevor. I might kill him later.
Catherine's ghost followed me home. Knew she wouldn't be able to leave me alone. For once, I wasn't pissed off at the company. A little sad, perhaps, though in the rush of power and revelation, it was hard to feel anything.
“Catherine, ma belle, forgive me?”
“Not yet, daddy, but you're learning.”
I was learning, wasn't I? Evil exists. Perhaps I am evil. Perhaps I'm mad. Forgive me if my little girl is the only one who can make me care?
Sometimes I think maybe it's not the madness that defines this clan I've been introduced to. It's the ability to see past the madness to what's really there sharing the darkness with us.
I didn't always think this way, of course, but Victoria helped me grow up a bit. Showed me the family. Showed me parts of myself that I didn't know existed. I'd suspect it was all a grand prank on her part, if she didn't end up dead at the end of it. Perhaps that was the prank, because she's not really dead, though, is she? No, she lives on in me. If people could hear her, they'd stop thinking I was mad.
Perhaps I'd better explain?
It was pure folly and pride to think that I could track and kill Trevor at night. I should have waited until he slept and killed him then, or at least weakened him and chained him so he could not fight back. It would have been easy to do. I didn't do it, though. Katazyna had hit a nerve with me, and then she'd gone and hit professional pride. She wanted the child-killing bastard to pay? Hell, I knew torture. It'd be good.
Too bad Trevor wasn't there. Yeah, I got there and nada. Nothing. Damn place reeked like a haunted house. I swear I could feel ghosts watching me, and not the ones that usually followed me, either. Got settled in to wait on him, hid in the shadows, closing in on myself and making myself as unnoticeable as possible, as I'd been trained to do, and then I heard the music.
“A la claire fontaine
M'en allant promener;
J'ai trouvé l'eau si belle
Que je m'y suis baigné.
Il y a longtemps que je t'aime,
Jamais je ne t'oublierai.”
I knew that song. Once upon a time, I'd sung it, hadn't I? Taught it to my daughters as they'd learned to play and sing. Thought I recognized the voice, too, but that was impossible, right? Ah, if only.
I followed a flash of blond curls out of the room I was hiding in and around a corner, into a sort of parlor. There she sat, playing the piano for all the world as if it were time for her music lessons. But, my mind insisted to remind me, that couldn't be. She'd been dead for over four hundred years. I tore her throat out myself. Bad thoughts down that path. Something inside me screamed Run! I could do nothing but stand there, helpless as a lamb in front of this little five year old cherub.
“Catherine? How...?” Not my most brilliant moment. It should have dawned on me then, that she was dead, had to be dead. Or if not dead, then turned and no longer herself. What can I say, though? Deep down, her face has been the one haunting my dreams and my nightmares. Guilt. Even I can feel it and know what kind of monster I am. Fuck.
“Sous les feuilles d'un chêne
Je me suis fait sécher;
Sur la plus haute branche
Le rossignol chantait.
Il y a longtemps que je t'aime,
Jamais je ne t'oublierai.
Chante, rossignol, chante,
Toi qui as le coeur gai;
Tu as la coeur à rire,
Moi je l'ai à pleurer.
Il y a longtemps que je t'aime,
Jamais je ne t'oublierai.
J'ai perdu ma maîtresse
Sans l'avoir mérité,
Pour un bouquet de roses
Que je lui refusai.
Il y a longtemps que je t'aime,
Jamais je ne t'oublierai.
Je voudrais que la rose
Fût encore au rosier,
Et moi et ma maîtresse
Dans le mêm's amitiés.
Il y a longtemps que je t'aime,
Jamais je ne t'oublierai.”
She sat there at the piano, playing and singing. It was as if I wasn't there. Or rather, as if I were her human father, standing over her, listening while she played. I couldn't move if I tried. She didn't seem to notice the stark fear in me, my naked desire to be anywhere else, and the overwhelming shock that kept me rooted in place. No, she didn't seem to notice or care as she turned and gave me the full force of those jewel-clear blue eyes and that smiling cherub's face.
“Daddy! What did you think?” A voice like swansong. The familiar cadence of the old French sounded as incomprehensible as Greek to me at first.
“It was beautiful, Catherine.” My voice was a harsh croak, sounded harsh against hers. Much like the rest of me, actually. How could she look at me and see her loving father?
“Were you going to kill the bad man, daddy?”
God, but that voice! “Yes, Catherine, I am. He destroyed the lives of children. It is a heinous act.”
“You did that, daddy. I remember that.”
No! How could I explain the hunger, the beast that used me for its own hideous pleasure? That still uses me? “No, Catherine, I...”
“It doesn't matter now, daddy. Kiss me?” She stood up on the piano bench, a petite angel, not even as tall as her father with that help.
I squeezed my eyes shut and counted to ten. I could still smell her skin! God, but I remembered the taste of her blood. I had yet to have blood that could compare, because she was so precious. I could barely answer her, so overwhelmed was I. “Yes, of course, Catherine.” I drew her into my arms and held her close, kissing the top of her head and pressing that gentle heat against my shoulder.
That's when I felt fangs in my shoulder. That was one hell of a wake-up call. I tried to pull away, but she held me fast. The blond cherub shimmered in my sight, as if she were nothing but a ghost. Of course, she was dead. I killed her. In turn, she was killing me. I was growing weaker. I could feel it. She was draining me, taking everything I had. I'd die if she continued. Perhaps that was her purpose? Was she here to exact revenge on her murderous father by turning him to so much ash?
No! I felt guilt, yes, horrible, paralyzing guilt, but I couldn't die. Not like this. She'd understand, right? That I had to stop her? My maker was still out there, still had not been brought to justice. Later, she could have her chance, but now she must be a ghost again. I whispered softly against her fragrant skin, “Catherine, ma belle, I'm sorry.” It took more effort than I anticipated to pull her off me. She must have drank more than I thought, for I was weak as a kitten. No matter. My teeth pierced the soft skin of her neck and I drank deeply, far deeper than I'd ever drank from any vampire.
Vampire, yes. I recognized that blood. Time to analyze it later, for she was fighting me now. “Catherine, I'm sorry, but I cannot let you take me before he comes to justice. You know it is my duty, ma belle. I'm sorry it has to be this way.” Her struggles grew weaker. I didn't even see her anymore. It was as if someone else lay pinned under me, someone else's voice grew weaker as I drank that potent blood.
And then, the amazing part. She died, and it seemed a part of her was absorbed into me. I could feel it there, merged with me. I knew the body that fell to ash before me. Her name had been Victoria, and she wasn't dead. No, she whispered in my ear, telling me things. Things I knew, I'd always known. About my heritage, my sire. My accidental sire. It wasn't an accident at all. Too soon, far too soon. The Family hadn't gathered to change me yet, he'd only been there to push me closer to the edge, as he'd been there when my wife died, and when my son was killed. As he'd been there to frighten away the game during that one cold winter, nearly killing us all. He'd tormented me, pushed me, and I'd caught him too soon.
I made it through that Embrace. Turned my back on the whispers of Family, though. They hadn't judged, just watched. Eventually they figured I'd see reason. And I did, now. Hell, I knew more now than I ever had, didn't I? I knew the power she'd used on me. With a little practice I might even be able to perform that abilty, Obfuscate. Useful thing. Dementation. Another useful one, one I had, even if I didn't know how it worked before. I did now. I knew the name of my telepathy among the Family. Auspex. The ability that helped me control mortals. Dominate.
Victoria, my love, Victoria. She knew things I'd only begun to guess at. The name of the Family I had always been a part of, even unknowingly. Malkavian. I smiled then. One always wants a family, right? I mean, if you have to go through this long life broken as we are, it's good to have people around who see things like you, right? Maybe that's her talking. Sure as hell doesn't sound much like me. Maybe I'll remember later.
I left the place. Placed a rose from the mantle on her ashes and left. Hell with Trevor. I might kill him later.
Catherine's ghost followed me home. Knew she wouldn't be able to leave me alone. For once, I wasn't pissed off at the company. A little sad, perhaps, though in the rush of power and revelation, it was hard to feel anything.
“Catherine, ma belle, forgive me?”
“Not yet, daddy, but you're learning.”
I was learning, wasn't I? Evil exists. Perhaps I am evil. Perhaps I'm mad. Forgive me if my little girl is the only one who can make me care?